Positive relationships are needed during periods of transition, as the lack of them could have serious negative consequences on a child’s all round development and ability to cope with life later on. However, it must be clear as to what is meant by ‘positive’, in relation to what outcome is intended from having positive relationships.
Definition: Positive
Confident, optimistic, focusing on good things rather than bad, producing good results.
By having positive relationships during times of transitions, it is generally understood that the child will have people around them that they can trust, and that make them feel cared for. Children need to feel safe and secure at all times and, consistency is essential to that feeling of security, so it can be assumed that these positive relationships have formed with people they see regularly, and who have strong morals and values i.e. keeping promises, being reliable, judging fairly. Therefore it is more likely that positive relationships are formed with parents, family members, teachers, classmates, or activity leaders. Children who are fortunate enough to have positive relationships are more likely to succeed academically, and socially, because they feel emotionally secure and therefore have more self-esteem and confidence to approach new skills, and are better able to cope with new experiences and changes in their lives, whether they are positive or negative. They are better able to do so, because they know and feel that they are not alone, but have people around them who they can trust to give them guidance, support and advice on even the most sensitive and personal issues. Older children who pass through transitions with the appropriate emotional support from such positive relationships, are less likely to succumb to feelings of depression, and low self-esteem, which can, and does, often lead to serious damaging behaviour, such as self-harming and drug taking.
On the other hand though, positive relationships do not always result in more confident, emotionally secure children and do not always produce good outcomes. For example, many times, parents, siblings, grandparents and other people close to a child, will use phrases during distressing times, such as, ‘you will never need to worry’ or ‘I’ll always be here for you’. This kind of ‘positive’ statement is said with the good intention to reassure and comfort the child and may indeed do so for that moment. But, it can, and has had the opposite effect, when the person who uttered those words is no longer alive. If a child has grown up hearing, and believing that the person will never leave them, when that person does die, the child can often feel anger and resentment, they and also feel cheated at being left alone and may never again be able to trust, or get close to another human being ever again. So, instead of a positive relationship producing a positive outcome, as was intended, it could have the worst effect ever on that child’s future life.
Another example of when relationships do not always have positive outcomes during times of transition is, for example, if the parents of an older child get divorced. A myriad of emotions may be going through that young persons’ head i.e. guilt, anger, rejection, fear, hate. The child may also be going through another transition such as puberty, with mood swings and body changes at the same time. A positive relationship with a well-meaning friend, may have disastrous effects. Friends usually agree with you and tell you what you want to hear and not what you need to hear. The friend may encourage anger and vengeful behaviour just by agreeing in the hope that it will make her friend feel better, instead of giving good advice or helping to find support either from the school councillor or other trusted adult.
Generally though, if children are fortunate to have positive relationships that offer the right kind of advice and support during times of transition and are handled sensitively and tactfully they will be in a better position, both emotionally and intellectually to cope with future transitions. This includes allowing the child to recognise and to be aware of the fact that there can be negative outcomes and not everything will always turn out positively. What is essential is to help children pass through the ups and downs of life. Mistakes will be made, different emotions will be felt. Our experiences, both good and bad, make us who we are, how we think, how we behave and how we cope with the changes our lives.
A Constantinou
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